Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Blog Post 12  7/10/12  8:23 pm


  That's it. Fuck love. I'm tired of seeing all these damn love posts and they broke my heart quotes or whatever. I am DONE! I am going to avoid it. No relationships. No nothing. My heart still hurts and is still scarred. I can't handle anymore. There is going to be a new me. You'll see some changes in me. I don't care anymore. My feelings have been held in way too long. Sorry. Had to let it out.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

6/9/12  9:25 pm  Blog Post 11

  Sorry for not posting. Well, today was work. Not looking forward to work tomorrow. I got asked out today by Daniel. He wanted to take me to the scottish festival tomorrow. I tried to get mom to let me go but she decided to work with me and have dad stay at home and work on the backyard.....typical. It's not that I have a  "date" honestly, if I went, I would have paid for my own ticket in cause i'm just  that person, I just want away from the family for a bit.

ON a good note! Next spring, momma is sending me to SCAD!! Savanna College of Art and Design!!!! I can not wait! I'll get to live on campus as well! AHH! So excited! Though on a funny note, i'm so tempted to say SCAB...if it were Savanna College of Art and Beauty. Hahaha how funny would that be?? "Hi, I go to SCAB!" Haaaa.



Wednesday, June 6, 2012

6/6/12  11:11pm   Blog Post 10

   Well. Today went from empty to happy. Thanks to my amazing best friend Jodie. She really knows how to make  my day so much better! Even if that means fighting over whose best friend is cooler, Masmie or Jassey haha. I'm so happy Jodie is my best friend. I know without her I would crash and burn!  I'm happy I am not feeling all grey right now. I see more tinychat/ skype calls with Jodie in the future! I can't  wait to see her this month!! It needs to hurry up.

Like the new layout???  Thank you! Jodie did the background. She did a fantastic job on it! Of course, I did the rest like the text color and whatnot..tiring stuff. :D


So, I'm thinking about changing my  wardrobe up a bit. I figured I have had the same style for ever, it's time for a change. I don't know what I want to do. Should I do clothes that fashionable and chic? Or dark and emo-ish? Maybe preppy---(HAHA)? Schoolgirl? Frilly? Who knows. Knowing me, it will be  a mixture. My dad calls me punky brewster. Apparently when he was a kid, there was this show punky brewster, she was like Junie B Jones but a cartoon. Always wore mix matched clothing. Guess we'll see wht I end up doing.

I can't wait for class to start again in a couple weeks. It needs to hurry up. I'm going through school withdraws.

I need to clean my room.. It's gotten kinda crazy. I have partially unppacked boxes and clothes everywhere. Maybe when it's not so hot in my room I will.

I know, I'm sorry for posting weird thoughts on here. I'm trying to make this post a little bit longer.

Well, I have nothing else to say! I think in a little while I'll head  on to bed. Good night world.

                         Jasmine ♥

6/6/12  3:45 pm  Blog Post 9

Hmm. I feel down today. I feel like I'm in a dark room today. Though it's nice and sunny outside, it feels like its dark and rainy. I wanna curl up in a ball, cry, and disappear. I know I'm not alone. I have Jodie. Curtis. Really the only two people who know and understand. Anyone else I don't have. Left me. Probably don't even give me a second thought. I've been forgotten. Like an old abandoned toy. I was probably fun to be with at first, but everyone went away and forgot. My own brother even. His wife doesn't let him even call us. I used to look up to him. I used to talk to him everyday. Now I feel he has left me. So, I feel even more alone.

I'm  tired. I have been depressed for seven ridiculous years. Yes, for a couple of those, I will admit, it went away for a  while. It came back obviously. I want  it to go away. It's my own fault I suppose. I don't know.

I'm trying to save money for a car. Maybe then, I can get a job, and get away from this for a while.

Well. I'm getting of. I'm on tinychat with Jodie and Js as and a bunch of other girls I don't know. Bye.


Tuesday, June 5, 2012

6/5/12   10:13 pm Blog Post 8

  I know I posted not even an hour ago probably, but something has been on my mind and I figured I should write it down. It may seem stupid to you, but with my history its a big deal.

  So, it's about boys. Yeah your thinking" Oh god. Every Girl (or boy..) has that issue". Well, I have horrible luck. Lets go back to the 4th grade, Newport  News Va, in naval base housing.

These new people moved in next to where we lived. They had two sons, Derek and Ian. Well shortly after they moved in, I would go to visit Derek  and Ian while my parents would talk outside with their parents. After a few months, let's say Ian would start doing things. Now, my mother always told me if I was touched in any way inappropriate I should tell her and she would take care of it. Well I have this thing that no matter what I do or say I will make someone mad and I don't like it when someone is mad at me. So I never told her what Ian did to me then. Now, my mom had asked me once if things where going on cause I refused to go to his house once but I denied it and said no. Derek was my protector. I would rush to his room and he would let me watch tv in his room or play on his computer. But I always ended up back in Ian's room  cause he would find a way to get me in there. This continued till I moved after the 5th grade. Well when I was in 6th grade they visited us and Ian would do the same things again and one time for spring break and did it  again. Now, for seven to eight years, I never told anyone. Being sexually molested at that age and keeping it in isn't the best thing. I finally told my mom last August. Of course there wasn't anything she could do. She said she could have taken me to therapy then which honestly, probably could have helped me alot. Oh well.

Well, a few years ago right before I turned sixteen, I was talking to this guy. His name was Joe. He lived in Virginia and I in Georgia. We started a long distance relationship. Well after 3 months of being together I broke up with him cause I didn't enjoy the distance. Mom convinced me to go see him. well I did, we got back together. From time to time we would visit each other. Well, after a year and a half of being together, he got eally obsessive, verbally abusive, actualy was almost physically abusive, cheated on me with a slut, and was crazy.  He used to tell me he could kill people with a smile on his face. Scared the living shit out of me man.Well, after a while, I coulnd't take it anymore, so I broke up with him finally.  I would try to break up with him but he would cry like a freakin 5 year old begging for me to stay. Well, I finally was like whatever.

Then, there was Ryan.He was great at first. But, he would go to clubs (and we all know nothing goes well with that), he would flirt with other girls, he took me for granted,he was selfish, disrespectful, blah blah blah. I got tired of it all. So, I ended it.

Then I started talking to a  guy named Chris.I have liked this boy since I first met him in 2010. He was handsome, funny, great, sweet, everything. Well in March he said he would date me if I lived closer. So my heart leaped for joy. So we started talking. Well, sometime in April, I went to visit him for a week  in Alabama. I had a great time. Well, a few weeks ago, he told me he couldn't handle a long distance relationship....of course. Boy lead me on. Oh well. Boy had kissed me in front of his friends, held my hand, held me, bought me dinner.

I hate this. It seems my heart likes to be thrown around, be worn. I have scars. Some are still open. Some are barely healed. And mom wonders why I have an issue even talking to boys. I don't trust them. I can't. A guy Daniel likes me. I know. Mom knows. He is sweet. But. I don't think I can handle another relationship where I'll end up getting hurt. Again. I may not have been with a lot of guys, but I sure have been through a hell lot of hurt.

So, I have come to the conclusion, guys are ASSHOLES.


6/5/12  9:31 pm  Blog Post 7

  Well. Today was okay. I had a horrible headache. Finally went away. Didn't really do anything today. I played some guitar hero today for the first time in a year. Today went by pretty damn fast.

I posted a video on you tube earlier. Idid a cover song. Maroon 5's Misery. I was bored. I might do more videos later if I get an okay response.

I had a weird dream last night.But I don't remember it. Weird huh?

I'm on tinychat with Jas and Jodie. I haven't talked to Jas in a while. She got a haircut. Looks good on her. I wish I could pull of short hair and look good in it!

I'm on luminosity.com  right now. See if I need to exercise me brain haha.

Well, I'm off. Bye.


Monday, June 4, 2012

6/4/12  6:10 pm Blog Post 6

       Today is eck. I don't feel well today. Horrible headache . I took two pills for it and it isn't helping, I feel weak.. Every time I get up or pick something up I shake a little. I think I have a slight fever. I feel pretty warm.

  I was supposed to have class this week. Unfortunately due to financial reasons, I had to cancel. At least I have Opals in two weeks from my scholarship.

  I feel so empty today. Maybe it's because I'm sick. Maybe not.

Mom and dad went to Wal Mart to get groceries. So I'm here with my brother along waiting for the Twilight Saga New Moon to come on since there isn't anything else on to watch.

  My birthday is in a couple week.s We usually do the movie dinner or something to that extent. I wanna see the movie Abraham Lincoln The Vampire Slayer that comes out on my birthday, but my brother isn't fond of movies like that and I don't wanna deal with that on my birthday. So, I have no idea what I am going to do. There isn't really anything here. Might go to the rib house for my birthday dinner. I'm craving ribs. Or maybe a Chinese restaurant. Guess I'll know when the time gets closer.

Well, I'm done for now. The computer screen is hurting my eyes and making my headache worse.


Sunday, June 3, 2012

6/3/12 9:40 pm  Blog Post 5

    Well, today was an exhausting day. I woke up at 5:30 in the morning with dad to pick up out pool we just bought.So  At 6:16 am we're at the door. We drive down the mountain (we live on a mountain) and we go for gas. Well, the first gas station ran out of gas, the second was closed, the other was closed as well. Finally after we got gas it was 7 am. We hit the road, reached were we got at   10:15 am and left at 6:15. I just got home not too long ago. After taking down the pool, waiting for it to drain, getting the pump, and loading up the trailer, you get tired.Tomorrow, I definitely plan on sleeping in. Well, goodnight. Maybe my next post will be longer.


Saturday, June 2, 2012

6/2/12  10:58 pm  Blog Post 4
  Well. The landlord came by and cleared out the basement of his stuff for the most  part. After that we all went to eat at a pizza place.

   I feel a little better today. Now a big change. Daniel seems to be making it a bit better. He text me for a little bit today. I still feel alone here. Yeah one more person to talk to but that just reminds me on how great my "real" friends are.  I really have three true friends. Cambria, my best friend and sister since second grade, Curtis, my best friend and brother since fifth grade, and Jodie. My best friend and sister since a few years! <3

    Jodie is great. I would text her everyday 24/7 but she is limited on texts and I don't want to waste her texts.  I worry about her though. I love her dearly  and the last thing I want for her is to feel she is completely alone and doesn't have anyone in this world for here. Well chika, since I know your reading this, you have me.We seem to be feeling something similar and I just want to let you know when you feel like you have no friends and you feel abandoned, I'm   here.If you lived like not far from me I would come see ya everyday and give you a hug and tell you everything is okay. Your my friend and I care about you. Next time you feel this way, tell me, and I will try my damn hardest to get on and we'll listen to sappy depression music together and dance in our chairs like computer geeks  and laugh to make everything better. You have at the very least weird ol me as  your friend....and sister *cough* :D I love you girl. Don't  forget that.



6/2/12   4:12 pm  Blog Post 3

      Well today wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. Mom didn't say anything else about my hair. Dad said he didn't care what it looks like. I think he talked to mom. Though, at the end of work she insisted to at  least even out the back .....oh well.

    My friend Daniel came by and talked to me. That was nice. I haven't talked to anyone like that in a while. He is going to take me roller skating when I don't have school. I'm excited. I haven't been roller skating in years and I have been dying to roller skate!

  Speaking of school, I go to Lapidary Art School and since dad sent my deposit check in too late I can't go to school this week cause my mom can't afford to pay for my wire class because of the pool we just bought and I thought class was next week not this week.. Joy.

   I had a nightmare last night!! I dream that my teeth fell out then they would come back and fall apart again and it would repeat the process. This was like a realistic dream where I could feel the teeth rolling in my mouth. Regardless to say, I did not sleep well last night.

  Well, I have nothing much to say right now. So, I'll post another post later. Later.

Friday, June 1, 2012

6/1/12  11:30 M  Blog Post 2

      I know I posted a post already not too long ago. But, this needs to come out. I cut my hair today. It came out pretty groovy. Some people I showed it to like Jodie, my aunt, and my sister Cambria said it came out pretty good. So, with that said I was happy with it. The challenge was what would mom think? See, I cut my hair when she and dad left to tend the community garden. Mom and dad finally came home. It didn't take mom long to realize I cut my hair. Now before I go on, I'd like to say I cut my hair emo style, bangs, choppy layers (though even choppy layers) and all. Mom pitched a fit. She thinks I did a horrid job. Though in here defense, she is used to seeing completely straight, perfect even layered hair. She isn't used to this look. I warned her months ago I was wanting my hair cut like it. She specifically told me well when you get money you can cut your hair cause I'm paying for you to go to art school. Well tonight she said I would've went and gotten it done for you! Now I have to take you in to fix it. Should I? Well not with her money. I probably will to get her to hush about it but I'll do it with what I have been saving. I have ninety-one dollars  saved for classes but I refuse to use her money to fix it. It's either mine or it doesn't get "fixed" at all. I wish she would understand this is how it's supposed to be. I know it must sound ridiculous for whining about this but I never felt comfortable how I looked before. Now, I feel complete. Think of it life this. Your an obese person wearing a really ugly two piece bathing suit. No offense to the over weight people, I'm just trying to make a point. Okay,  I feel like that. I'm not in any way comfortable. Now when that obese person fits into something more comfortable and suitable for them like a tankini or a one piece or even shirt and shorts, they feel better. Thats me. Looking like an emo...no..BEING an emo is who  am. I feel comfortable how I look regardless what everyone thinks. Don't like it, well tough shite (yes, shite. Shite is the english- meaning british english type- for the english-american type english- for shit. Same thing but sounds better).  Oh, for those who don't know, emo is short for emotional.

  Well. I feel loads better (NOT).I'm going to bed now. Tomorrow I have work with...mother. I am so not looking forward to that at all! All I'm going to hear about is my hair. UGH. I'll probably put it in a pony tail so she can hush up about it. My life. Good night.

     Very Irritated Blogger,
 6/1/12  10:23 PM Blog Post 1

    Well, thanks to my best friend Jodie, I think I'm going to start blogging more. God knows I need it. Well, I'm   Jasmine. I'm almost 19 starting in a couple weeks. I'm a pretty cool person. Alot of of friends (which honestly isn't many) will tell your I'm fun to talk with, sweet, ect. But the majority of them don't know (with the exception of Jodie and Curtis) is I'm pretty depressed. My mom sees it but she doesn't understand. She thinks it's because I want out of the house, have my own life, la di da di da.  I feel alone. I don't have alot of true friends. I am broken. I was sexually abused in 4th grade through 6th grade by a boy named Ian. I kept that in for years up until August of last year. So I'm pretty messed up about that still. I honestly probably need therapy for it but whats the point? I've been run on countless times, lied too, verbally abused, almost physically abused by an ex, forgotten, the list goes on and on. I'm depressed. End of story. I do a very well job of hiding it. Everyone doesn't seem to notice. I never complain though. I'm scared people will shove me away and not listen to whats going on. I know that's not true, but what I've been through, I still worry. I feel so lost sometimes. You know, when I was younger, I attempted (though it was pathetic...thankfully) at suicide. I don't think like that now, but I wish I could escape from the world and just disappear. There are nights I curl into a ball and cry thinking what I have done wrong,wondering if there is something wrong with me. I dunno. Maybe things will get better in time. I hope so. Well, I don't have much to say at this point...I am not great at writing so yeah. I'll post more tomorrow and the days following. I feel a little better but I still have pain.