Tuesday, June 5, 2012

6/5/12   10:13 pm Blog Post 8

  I know I posted not even an hour ago probably, but something has been on my mind and I figured I should write it down. It may seem stupid to you, but with my history its a big deal.

  So, it's about boys. Yeah your thinking" Oh god. Every Girl (or boy..) has that issue". Well, I have horrible luck. Lets go back to the 4th grade, Newport  News Va, in naval base housing.

These new people moved in next to where we lived. They had two sons, Derek and Ian. Well shortly after they moved in, I would go to visit Derek  and Ian while my parents would talk outside with their parents. After a few months, let's say Ian would start doing things. Now, my mother always told me if I was touched in any way inappropriate I should tell her and she would take care of it. Well I have this thing that no matter what I do or say I will make someone mad and I don't like it when someone is mad at me. So I never told her what Ian did to me then. Now, my mom had asked me once if things where going on cause I refused to go to his house once but I denied it and said no. Derek was my protector. I would rush to his room and he would let me watch tv in his room or play on his computer. But I always ended up back in Ian's room  cause he would find a way to get me in there. This continued till I moved after the 5th grade. Well when I was in 6th grade they visited us and Ian would do the same things again and one time for spring break and did it  again. Now, for seven to eight years, I never told anyone. Being sexually molested at that age and keeping it in isn't the best thing. I finally told my mom last August. Of course there wasn't anything she could do. She said she could have taken me to therapy then which honestly, probably could have helped me alot. Oh well.

Well, a few years ago right before I turned sixteen, I was talking to this guy. His name was Joe. He lived in Virginia and I in Georgia. We started a long distance relationship. Well after 3 months of being together I broke up with him cause I didn't enjoy the distance. Mom convinced me to go see him. well I did, we got back together. From time to time we would visit each other. Well, after a year and a half of being together, he got eally obsessive, verbally abusive, actualy was almost physically abusive, cheated on me with a slut, and was crazy.  He used to tell me he could kill people with a smile on his face. Scared the living shit out of me man.Well, after a while, I coulnd't take it anymore, so I broke up with him finally.  I would try to break up with him but he would cry like a freakin 5 year old begging for me to stay. Well, I finally was like whatever.

Then, there was Ryan.He was great at first. But, he would go to clubs (and we all know nothing goes well with that), he would flirt with other girls, he took me for granted,he was selfish, disrespectful, blah blah blah. I got tired of it all. So, I ended it.

Then I started talking to a  guy named Chris.I have liked this boy since I first met him in 2010. He was handsome, funny, great, sweet, everything. Well in March he said he would date me if I lived closer. So my heart leaped for joy. So we started talking. Well, sometime in April, I went to visit him for a week  in Alabama. I had a great time. Well, a few weeks ago, he told me he couldn't handle a long distance relationship....of course. Boy lead me on. Oh well. Boy had kissed me in front of his friends, held my hand, held me, bought me dinner.

I hate this. It seems my heart likes to be thrown around, be worn. I have scars. Some are still open. Some are barely healed. And mom wonders why I have an issue even talking to boys. I don't trust them. I can't. A guy Daniel likes me. I know. Mom knows. He is sweet. But. I don't think I can handle another relationship where I'll end up getting hurt. Again. I may not have been with a lot of guys, but I sure have been through a hell lot of hurt.

So, I have come to the conclusion, guys are ASSHOLES.


No comments:

Post a Comment